this is all i know about valentine's day.

Once at some point in elementary school I came home and my crush (crush is an understatement, I was fully committed from kindergarten through sixth grade) had dropped off a white teddy bear holding a heart and a mylar balloon. It was then brought to my attention that some other ten year old had received the same.

In third grade I made the most impressive valentine mailbox. A shoebox turned telephone. Wrapped in shiny gold paper, complete with conversation hearts as the number buttons. You had to pick up the phone in order to drop off the valentine. Maybe I stole this idea directly from my teacher? Mine was prettier, mostly because it hadn't been made thirty years prior. But her telephone valentine box was more useful to the boy who used it to call his mom, pleading to "PLEASE PICK HIM UP" when the festivities were just too overwhelming. I can't find a picture because it was too unique and no one else is as creative as me.

That very crucial moment when you decided who got to receive the ever-powerful and bigger than the rest best friends valentine. Messages like "You are nice. From, Danie". 

The year I was the queen because I put red food coloring in my milk. I didn't even like milk.

Middle school and junior high were marked with the presence of these:

These are suckers shaped like hearts. That's the minimalist description. They were so much more. For a measly one dollar, you could buy one, and send it to someone ANONYMOUSLY. They had "crazy flavors" like cotton candy and strawberry kiwi and OH MY GOODNESS strawberry lemonade. Come Valentine's Day, they were distributed. If you're thinking Mean Girls "you go Glen Coco" you're absolutely right.

I was only ever sent one. From my homeroom teacher.

I would just like to interject this with the fact that currently, I'm writing a blog post and Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives is playing in another tab. Like I'm listening to it...as if Guy Fieri is music.

This just happened.

There were those Februarys where I traveled to Target to find the super silliest valentines that would be so. funny. to hand out to my friends. Anything with rockets or puppies or animal puns or princesses. Because that would be so. funny. 

Why would you think I would appreciate a valentine with Batman or sports on it? That's rude.

I reminisce about my thirteen year old self spending hours making cupcakes out of felt for my best friends. The time I was a determined college freshman and slaved away in the shitty dorm kitchen in order to make iced heart cookies with faces specific to the recipient? 

This episode of Saved by the Bell because I watched Saved by the Bell literally every morning for about seven years.

The heart sticker to valentine ratio in those kits was off. Did my sticker collection complain? Uh-nope.

Who can forget the excitement felt upon receiving a box of Russell Stover chocolates! Only the highest quality.

Let's just agree that Valentine's Day is one of my favorites. Duh, I know you can "love people every day". But why can't we just all agree on one day to love everyone...and give away cards with Jesse McCartney on them.

And a final note to Sweehearts: you can leave. Ever since you changed your recipe, the yellow hearts taste like dish soap.